Steps to Resolving Conflict

I did it again. I broke rules #1, #2, and #3 of dealing with conflict. I will get to what those rules are in just a moment, but first lets start with what God says. This is a verse that I have tried to use to establish the process by which I think through conflict:

James 1:19 "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." (ESV)

I know that my natural inclination is to react and to lash back. Let me give you an example from this weekend. I got up early on Saturday and was expecting a relaxing day. I went to the computer and thought I would get on facebook. When I did I had a message from one of my Community Group Leaders concerning some training we had a week or so ago. The message was critical of some of the information we shared there. The message started like this "Don't take this the wrong way." Well in my carnal nature on a Saturday morning of course I was going to take it the wrong way and I did. I immediately jumped on the defensive and shot back a message being critical (not ugly or unkind, just not receptive) of the criticism. It was not long until I had a reply critical of my critical response. That is when I paused, prayed, and began to think clearly. I responded that I did not want to have this discussion electronically, but that I would like to visit with him face to face. So this morning I did. Here is the great thing about a brother in Christ. As soon as I saw him this morning I ran over and gave him a hug and said "I love you man" (que sappy music). This guy is one of my great friends and a dedicated servant in the church. We were able to talk out the issue and both left the conversation feeling heard and understood. So that leads me to my five rules for dealing with conflict.


Rule #1 NEVER, NEVER, NEVER deal with a conflict over email or facebook (electronically). Even though the criticism was initially sent that way I needed to stop the cycle and instead I perpetuated it by responding.

Rule #2 Be quick to listen. What was my friend trying to say? Did he have a legitimate viewpoint? Do I respect his thinking generally on these topics. Do I need him to be on my team for the long run? The answer was yes to all of the above, but I got caught acting before listening.

Rule #3 Be slow to speak. It would have been better not to respond at all and to just think about what was said. Not in order to built anger or resentment, but to sift for truth. The time for talking is later.

Luckily I accomplished Rules #4 and #5.

Rule #4 Deal with the conflict face to face. After making the initial mistake of a first response I caught myself in order to deal with the conflict face to face before it escalated. When you look a person in the eyes you can see and hear non-verbal body language that helps you process a better response.

Rule #5 Deal with it quickly and do not let it fester. This morning when I got to the campus where he attends I sought him out immediately. Ironically, he was looking for me too. He said he could not sleep thinking that he may have hurt me. When Christians have conflict there is a spiritual dissatisfaction with life until it is resolved.

I am sure that this won't be my last time dealing with conflict. In fact it may not be the last time this weekend. My prayer is that I will resolve it James 1:19 style instead of Chad's fleshly style.